Wednesday, March 17, 2010

un/consciousness


The battle between living in the moment and having dreams and goals...


On the one hand you have the power of the unconscious mind, which does what it is suppose to do. (Think of being caught up in the moment while playing music, painting, having fun with friends. It requires no conscious thought, but just comes out of you naturally like pure life energy.) And on the other hand, there is the calculation often needed to move yourself through space and time and activate fate. Without this you end up being a 40 year old living in a relative's basement, playing video games until your eyes are as red as your skin is blue. You have to wake up and live. But how do we live?

I live in between. I live in the muddy trenches between the French and the English on the battlefield of Agincourt. The English archers are pinning me down, and the French men at arms and calvary are blocking my retreat.

After a sleepless night of turmoil at the realization of my position, the morning brings bright and strong sunlight. And I suppose the only solution is just what comes naturally. I plan and strive and make goals, then little bit by little bit I chip away at them. And during that work chipping I begin to lose my consciousness and rise up into that zone where the mind is free. Then my best work just comes out of me. It flows because I am flowing.

The problems always arise when I am trying to go against the current. Not the current of anyone else, because I go against lots of currents. I mean, when I go against my own life's current. When I try to force it. And you can't force anything, really, can you? You see big, swollen faced guys trying it all the time. They force with their fists, but really all they are doing is postponing their own reckoning. The people we all see thriving are the ones who have discovered the ability to go with the flow. Those people laugh more, smile more, love more. I want to be one of those people. Well, naw. I want to be me. But I want to be the me that sails with the wind, rides the waves, is driven by the beat, laughs when it is funny, cries when it is sad, and takes the gifts of life and enjoys them.

Onward.